RiggerJay

Finding myself with a lot of static and noise in my head last few months and it is messing with me.

I really dont know where it is coming from

I have a lot of great things going on

• Nawa D0 event is almost sold out (3 slots left as time of this post)
• Teaching at Fetish Flea
• Teaching at Shibaricon
• Boston Rope Group is doing great
• Made some amazing new friends in NJ
• Time away for Winter Solstice event for NYE

On the downside

• Work has me stress and angry
• Family conflicts
• Called of f  relationship with an amazing woman, as much as both wanted something we were not a right fit
• My tolerance for people is low, it takes little for me to want to snap at little things
• General energy level is low and ignore things needing to be done
• Pretty strong mood swings
• Stronger desire for solitude
• Little patience to explain things when asked lots of questions (on any topic)

During a sudden wave of mood swings today, I purged my Fetlife.. I almost just had it deleted, but I know that would have been a mistake, actually don’t think John Baku would have let me.  I remove almost all my photos, kinks, writing etc.. I left almost all the groups I was a member of. I also almost purged all the friends.. but I knew that also would have been a mistake.

I am not leaving the scene, and still will be active. The Boston Rope Group is a passion for me! as well as teaching and the event I am putting on.  What I think I get out of this purge is a drop in “static and noise”  removing distraction etc.  I am very sorry for any concern that my massive edit on Fetlife may have caused..  while some “hey are you ok?” check ins actually warmed me.. over all it made me want to hide more.

One check in actually made me very emotional.   I don’t know how I do it, but I seem to make very strong connections with people, I guess it is by just being me, calling things as I see them.  Someone I met over a year ago (2?) at a party in another country, who him self was a long way from home (Europe).. We talked a lot at that party, mostly just hung out.  Well he asked how I was, that he will see me at Shibaricon and I should come out to visit him in Europe..  That little thing meant a lot.. someone to all intents and purposes is a stranger.. but that short time in same spot, made a connection.  That is was proof that it would have been a mistake to fully delete my Fetlife profile.

I do have some amazing friends, I have been spending time with a select few of late. They help recharge me, calm and I forget about rest of world for a little while.What was supposed to be needed down time was interrupted with stress from family, and countered much of the ‘healing’ that the peace of the  time alone was giving.  Thankfully I spend next day with a woman and her family that are very dear to me and it did help

This coming weekend is a great event for New Years Eve..  I am not teaching and will be with good friends. I hope this will be the more of that recharge I really need..

yeah I am still here..  and I am limiting overall much of my contact with many many people, I will be a bit quieter for time being, but still here

-RJ